Today, the Proverbs speak to the family.

My goals are modest today…

You can’t study proverbs without an awareness of its male tilt. As I said a few weeks ago, Proverbs is at least a kind of moral primer, and especially for young men in a culture that placed greater emphasis on educating men. It’s honoring of women, the role of the mother and the value of marriage. It paints a beautiful image the Proverbs 31 woman – a woman of such nobility and productivity that most women feel daunted by that high model. But as a whole, there is a male tilt. I’ll teach that honestly, today, and then add the assumption that most of these truths and principles had applicability to all genders.

First, a word or two for the kids. The most frequent message is to be teachable, 1:8-9 “Listen, my son, to a father’s instruction and do not forsake a mother’s teaching. Same exact message in 4:1-4, 6:20-22 and in many other places. 13:1 says that “a wise son heeds a father’s instruction, but a mocker does not listen to rebuke.”

Young people, everything about our culture today is trying to persuade you that your parents are geeks, they don’t have a clue and that you know what’s best for you. I urge you to consider the possibility that you’re being fed a lie. It’s tough enough to be a teenager when you have good help. Don’t do it without them. Bring your parents into the equation. Let them tell you stories and lend some advice and even be an authority in your life – and not just because they’ll withhold the car keys if you don’t. Use all the helps available to you – your parents are probably the best helpers available.

The second word is even stronger. I won’t even tell you all the different verses, but there are a bunch of them. A wise son (or daughter, I’ll add) brings joy to his father, but a foolish child brings grief to a mother. A foolish child brings grief to a father and bitterness to a mother.

These two people, your parents, brought you into the world and nurtured you to this day. Not only are they worthy of honor but, as human beings with feelings, they want good things for you. Foolishness just breaks their hearts.

Yah, but what about them, a few kids might say. We’ll get to them, but for now, it’s a simple challenge – honor your parents – don’t shame them or bring them grief.

Now, for all of us, there is no age reference to all this. Adult kids can honor their parents or bring bitterness and grief. 19:26 talks about what shame it is for parents to be robbed, and that might be by commission or omission. 20:20 laments the adult who curses mom or dad, something that brings disgrace and shame.

From the healing perspective, one of the most common pains that people bring into adulthood is the sense of having been wronged by mom or dad. I won’t spend much time of this today, but I will only say this: One of the most profound healing experiences that allow us to live out our days with freedom and steady growth is forgiveness. Our best days often begin when our worst days have been dealt with in the light of God’s grace – and we learn from Him how to forgive. There may even be people here today who have never been able to obey the fifth commandment (Honor your father and mother). Forgiveness might open the door to something real.

Now let’s get to the parents. The primary word is about discipline, 19:18-19 “Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.” The language of Proverbs is harsh for some. “Spare the rod, spoil the child” is definitely the common thought. 13:24 even says that he who spares the rod hates his son.

Obviously, there’s a huge debate about the value of corporal punishment. I grew up in a day when even school teachers were outfitted with elaborate back paddles. Our culture has grown squeamish about the discretionary use of spanking as a teaching tool. Some of this is certainly good, as we’ve grown more aware and careful about real abuse. And I reject the notion of anything physical born out of a fit of anger. Children do need to be protected. Still, as all parents in every household try to arrive at methodologies that really help to teach, it’s also apparent that our society suffers from a lack of strong, clear discipline in the home, including a set of consequences for bad behavior that are effectively consequential. Proverbs is right in this – there is nothing loving about withholding strong discipline which in a context of real love is a necessary teaching tool. Parents create a setting that simulates life outside the home, and like will always punish certain things and reward others. If children learn this at home, they are ready for the world.

Lest we forget, the most important tool is our example. They do what we do more than they do what we say. So Proverbs 20:7 says “The righteous man leads a blameless life; blessed are his children after him.” As simple as it sounds, a parent is a teacher, and Proverbs’ best known verse, 22:6, reminds us, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” This is a statement in principle, like all of the Proverbs. People (our kids) still have choices and some will thwart this principle for a long time. But it’s still true in principle.

There’s even a brief word here for grandparents. 17:6 “Children’s children are a crown to the aged.” Grand parenting is a good gig if you can get it, and your role is also crucial in the lives of young people.

Now for the hot stuff. Husbands and wives. Again, note the tilt. There is nothing at all corrective for the husband. 18:22 just says, “He who find a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” These women are a good thing – gifts from God.

From there, women get some strong instruction. More specifically, some of this is instruction for men about the kind of women to look for, and not to look for. 21:9 “Better to live on the corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrel some wife.” 21:19 “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.” And this must certainly be true, as it would be wretched to live with an ill-tempered, quarrelsome husband. 19:3 says that “a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping.” Having to live in a quarrelsome context, trying to love well a quarrelsome person, wears people down.

12:4 “Wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay to his bones.” Again, to the women (14:1), “a wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands, a foolish one tears hers down.” And men, 11:29, “He who brings trouble on his family will inherit only wind.”

Brief editorial – if you have a home that’s conflicted and someone’s emotional bones are decaying under the steady drip of it, get help; start over; find a way to heal, forgive, change and discover that marriage and family life can be marvelous and mutually uplifting. Please don’t give up on the possibility that your family can be well and your children blessed by the model of your marriage, which they carry with them like a signpost all their lives.

To the whole household, 14:11 “The house of the wicked will be destroyed, but the tent of the upright will flourish.”

24:3-4 “By wisdom a house is built, through understanding it is established, through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and wonderful treasurers.”

Finally, 17:1 “Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house of feasting with strife.” That is probably the most pertinent of all proverbs for families in this culture. How much stress and strife land in our households because we have signed emotional contracts to live according to standards that are actually counterproductive for the things that bring real happiness and peace to a marriage and to a family? How often do we starve our relationships while feeding cravings for worldly esteem or the tease of riches and comfort? How many of us have robbed our children or our spouses while we’ve pilfered the best of our time, energy and efforts on self-promotion? How many might benefit from a simpler life that leaves more room for better values to emerge and form habits that lead to health and a better blessing from God?

Just asking.